You can't beat the cistern
Friday 26 January 2007
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Johnson managed to get the rest of the toilet out by disguising himself as a woman from 1968 (©Getty Images)
The bungled heist is the mainstay of comic cinema; from the 1959 Terry-Thomas classic Too Many Crooks, through Home Alone to Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, which made a movie star of former Wales midfielder Vinnie Jones. And any screenwriters short of inspiration may want to pay attention to this next tale.
Toilet humour
England right-back Glen Johnson, currently on loan to Portsmouth FC from Chelsea FC, has been a naughty boy. The €45,000-a-week defender was caught red-handed in a hardware store last week masterminding a fiendish toilet seat scam. Johnson and chum Ben May of Millwall FC were attempting to place the expensive fitting in the packaging of a cheaper 'throne', as well as hiding some fancy taps beneath an upturned sink. A worker at the store in Johnson's hometown of Dartford said: "We all recognised Johnson. No one could quite believe a bloke like him, with all that money, would be moronic enough to nick a toilet seat. But that's what him and May were doing. They were spotted by one of our security guards, a chap of 74, and cops arrived as they were trying to leave. They seemed to find the whole thing funny and couldn't stop smirking even after they had been arrested." Johnson, who briefly gave a false name but was rumbled by a football-loving officer, was fined €120. His Portsmouth team-mates rallied round, by leaving two toilet seats on his dressing room peg before last weekend's match. Hopefully with the receipt attached.
Plane speaking
For RCD Espanyol, there are few bigger occasions than the derby with city rivals FC Barcelona, and before their recent meeting the team were given an extra boost with the unveiling of a new plane to ferry the squad to far-flung matches. Decorated in the Espanyol colours and fashioning the name of their largest shareholder, Grup Tarradellas, the players and proud officials were present at Girona Airport for the inauguration of the 110-capacity Fokker 119. However, at the moment of glory, blaring out of the loudspeakers came the FC Barcelona anthem. Seems a Barça-supporting PA operator decided to sabotage the occasion. But it was Espanyol who had the last laugh with a 3-1 victory ending a six-year wait for a derby win.
Tattoo coup
Local rivalries, of course, are a worldwide phenomenon, and few are more fierce than that surrounding the Buenos Aries clásico between CA River Plate and CA Boca Juniors. And so, returning to the lavatorial theme established earlier, we bring this delicate tale from Argentina. A teenage Boca fan was pondering how best to show his love for the former home of Diego Maradona, and decided to have the club crest tattooed on his back. So he approached a professional, who sure enough got to work. Perhaps there was a little pain, but it was all worth it, and when it was done the young supporter, who we feel best remains nameless, returned home to show off his new adornment to his parents. Unfortunately the tattooist was a River Plate fanatic, and had etched an, er, old fella, that is to say a gentleman's organ, well something every rude anyway on to the Boca-backer's back. The victim, who is considering mounting a lawsuit, told Terra newspaper: "I could not see what he was tattooing because he didn't have a mirror. I only saw it when I got home and showed it to my parents." Crumbs. A police spokesperson, not sharing Off the Ball's delicate sensibilities, announced: "The tattooist supports Boca Junior's rivals, River Plate, so he got annoyed when the teenager asked him to tattoo Boca's symbol and decided to tattoo a penis instead. Unbelievable!"
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