What in the World Cup

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By Jim Wirth

The FIFA World Cup finals were peculiar enough as a footballing spectacle, with Japan, the Korean Republic, Senegal and European heroes Turkey exceeding even the most optimistic expectations. Indeed, Luxembourg's prime minister Jean-Claude Juncker spoke for many when he said: "If we had known any old team could win we would have made more of an effort to qualify."

Sexual minefield
But it wasn’t just the results that enlivened the finals, as a series of off-the-field incidents brought the competition to life. Sex was to become a dominant theme, and Nigeria coach Adegboye Onigbinde laid down the law early on saying that women were “agents of distraction”.

Easygoing Poland
Poland had a more easygoing attitude, though, with coach Jerzy Engel declaring: "Nobody said that sex, at the right time of course, could do anyone any harm." Yet players still had to pay €3,000 for the privilege of bringing their womenfolk along. "I'm not taking my wife but it's not because I'm a cheapskate," midfield player Cezary Kucharski insisted.

Lovesick Belgium
What their Belgian counterparts would have given for the opportunity. By the end of the first round, Belgium coach Robert Waseige was sick of his players pining for their wives. "They should be able to get through their lives without a woman," he fumed. "As a professional you should be able to concentrate 100 per cent on your job."

Barbaric barbers 
In the absence of women, many turned to their barbers for comfort. And with David Beckham's mohican turning heads, a rash of outrageous haircuts lit up the tournament. Japan midfield player Kazuyuki Toda denied trying to upstage the England captain with his dramatic red number, saying: "I just wanted to look tough."

Ümit mohican
Ümit Davala's even more dramatic look became the ‘in’ thing in the hairdressing salons of Istanbul, but father, Ali Davala, was less than impressed by the Turkish wing-back. "He looks plain weird," he said.

Ronaldo apology
Ronaldo might have won the final against Germany, yet even the brilliant Brazilian was forced to make a public apology after his half-shaven bonce brought terrible consequences back home. "I think there must be a lot of mothers who are very angry with me," he said. "They have every right to be as well and I apologise to them. I didn't realise there were children copying me."

Unforgettable experience
The final result may not, like the assorted haircuts, have pleased everyone, but an unforgettable time was had by all. And not always for the right reasons. Take, for example, the staff at Cork's University Hospital in the Republic of Ireland who had to deal with a number of comical injuries to armchair supporters during Ireland's campaign. "Young men sustained ankle strains and people jabbed themselves in the eye with glass tumblers," explained Dr Chris Luke. "One woman sustained a severe laceration by jumping up and landing on a vase in her sitting room."

Deadly decision
For a few brave souls, however, the consequences would be more long lasting. England fan Dave Tipton, a gas worker from the northern English town of Huddersfield, got up one morning as if to go to work and then set off for Japan without telling his wife. "She is going to kill me when I get back," he said. He has not been heard of since.